Nightly
by Ivy-7208
Summary: Elder McKinley has hell dreams almost every night. Will he ever be able to stop visiting Satan? Slightly McPriceley.


Connor McKinley was gay. And he knew it. He had known since he was 11 years old and he started noticing the way the other boys looked in gym class. He was never gay during the day, of course. Between the hours of sunrise and sunset he was the perfect Mormon boy, he was polite, he said his prayers and he was straight to all who observed him. He kept himself busy, not allowing himself time to think about it, pushing his feelings aside and ignoring them with frightening determination. But then night would fall and, with nothing to distract him from his own thoughts, Connor could not hide from the inevitable truth. Now Connor did not like being gay. It terrified him. Mormons weren't gay, it was a sin. An abomination. He would pray to Heavenly Father for hours, trying to figure out why he was being punished, what he could have possibly done so wrong. He was 11 when the Hell Dreams started too. It wasn't immediate, but once he realised that he really should not feel so flustered when Steve grabbed his hand to pull him into their game of soccer his dreams slowly became worse. Happy dreams would be engulfed in flames, people he loved would shout insults at him and, eventually, Satan himself would appear before him to drag his soul to hell for liking boys. Connor never told anyone about these dreams, they'd ask what his sin was and then he'd have to actually admit it out loud and the idea of how his father would react was enough to make Connor want to burst into tears.

The Hell Dreams became more frequent until, by the time he was fourteen he was visiting Hell every night. Connor slept as little as he could, choosing instead to study for school or read Mormon scriptures until the wee hours, until he physically couldn't keep his eyes open. His parents were proud of his diligence in his studies, joking about how often they found him asleep at his desk and how often he woke up with ink all over his face. They didn't seem to notice how their oldest son would wake up tired or the dark circles that only Connor seemed able to see under his eyes. Connor felt as though he was existing on autopilot, wake up in a cold sweat after a hell dream, eat breakfast, shower, go to school, don't fall asleep in class, work in the library over lunch to make sure the homework you did last night makes sense, more class, after school activities, stop by the church on the way home and pray to Heavenly Father for forgiveness for your sinful thoughts, come home, watch the news, eat dinner, do school work, avoid sleep, accidentally fall asleep at your desk, wake up in a cold sweat from another hell dream, repeat.

But once he graduated things started to look up for Connor. He was summoned by the church to do missionary work, as was expected of young Mormons, and Connor threw himself into his training, determined that this mission was going to be a fresh start. That maybe if he did well, Heavenly Father would stop punishing him for whatever he had done wrong. And maybe it was working, because every now and again Connor would have a hell-free dream. Admittedly they were few and far between, but on those nights Connor would wake up feeling well rested for the first time in years. He took easily to the mission training, his convincing smile and well practiced politeness making him excellent at house calls and talking to the public. When he was assigned Uganda as his mission location he learned that he had been made the leader of a new district the church was hoping to open. The first few months of his mission were a real rollercoaster, from joy that he church trusted him to run the district to fear when the local war-lord was in town. From hope that the people in the nearby village might want to listen to what he and the other Elders were trying to teach them to doubt that they would ever get a baptism. His dreams seemed to fluctuate with his mood during this time.

And then, after Connor has gone a week and a half without a trip to Hell, Kevin Price arrived in his district. Naive, full of self-assured confidence and, however hard Connor tried not to think about it, cute; Elder Price and his companion certainly shook things up in Uganda. Within two weeks they had broken pretty much every missionary rule, insulted the mission president, created a new religion and baptised an entire village into it. But Kevin Price was also playing merry havoc with Connors sanity. He was infuriating in many ways, it was like he wanted to be a one-man mission, trying to do everyone's jobs within their new church and more than once Elder McKinley had to tell him to let someone else help him, whether it was preaching to the newly converted Africans or lifting the huge wooden benches into place for Sunday mass, benches that were designed to be carried by two large African men, not one skinny nineteen year old. But he was also kind, and a good man, and making it very hard for Connor to keep 'Turning it Off' as he had for the past nine years. The hell dreams were back with a vengeance. Extra fire and even more hell and, as ever, Connor told no-one. But sometimes he thought, or maybe hoped, that Elder Price was noticing how tired he was, that he saw Connor still yawning in the middle of the day and spotted the dark rings under his eyes after another terrible nights sleep.

...

Movie night was a relatively new thing in District 9 of the Uganda mission. Initially started by Arnold to familiarise his fellow elders with the likes of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, it had quickly developed into a Friday night tradition in the Mission House with all of the elders gathering on the couch (and the floor in front of it) to watch. Tonight was Lord of the Rings, a movie Kevin Price felt familiar with already, having roomed with Arnold Cunningham for almost six months now. He soon found himself sandwiched between the arm rest and Elder McKinley, who smiled at Kevin as he positioned himself with a bowl of popcorn in his lap and Arnold sat by his feet, way too close to the screen as usual and grinning from ear to ear.  
"This is going to be so great you guys!" He was saying as he pressed play and leaned forward, his face now even closer to the screen.  
And it was great. Really it was. But still Kevin found his eyes drooping and shook himself to keep awake. But when finally the film ended, someone (probably Arnold) suggested putting in the second one and now Kevin was really tired. He wasn't the only one. Elder McKinley was also blinking an awful lot, his head lolling forwards slightly before snapping back up, wide eyed. Elder McKinley had been worrying Kevin recently, the guy never seemed to sleep. In the end, Kevin must have fallen asleep because he woke up in the dark on the couch. At first he wasn't sure what had woke him up, but then there was a whimper from somewhere around his shoulder and a hand that was not his own lying across his chest grabbed a handful of his shirt in some kind of clawed death grip. Fully awake now, Kevin groped for the lamp on the side table and peered through the dim light to see someone sprawled against his side. A redheaded someone who was fast asleep with the facial expression of one who is being tortured. Elder McKinley whimpered again, muttering in his sleep.  
"No... Please... Not again..."  
"Elder McKinley?" Whispered Kevin and then, more loudly "Elder McKinley." He shrugged his shoulder to give his friend a shake. "Connor!"  
Elder McKinley started awake, his eyes wild and, realising where he was threw himself away from Kevin as though burned and scooted to the other end if the couch.  
"E-elder Price. I hope I didn't, uh, wake you?" He stuttered but Kevin ignored that.  
"Are you alright?"  
"Hmm? Oh. Yes. Fine. Great!"  
Kevin frowned. "Only it sounded like you we're having a nightmare..."  
"Yes. A nightmare. Just a regular nightmare about... Uh... Orcs!" Connor gestured vaguely at the blank TV screen.  
"You had the Hell Dream, didn't you?"  
Connor shook his head but his wild eyed stare gave him away.  
"Oh Connor! I thought that had stopped after you read The Book of Arnold?"  
Connor shook his head softly, staring at a spot somewhere past Kevin's head and apparently trying to convince himself not to cry.  
"No. They still come every night."  
"What did you do?" Kevin wondered, what could Elder McKinley have possibly done to deserve the Hell Dream every night.  
"It's... I think it's because I..." He seemed to be having a hard time getting the words out, but Kevin waited patiently for him to get there. "I think I'm gay." He said in a rush, before slapping a hand over his mouth as though to catch the words before anyone could hear them. In fact, Kevin got the impression this was the first time Connor had even admitted it out loud. Not that it would be news to anyone listening, it had been clear to everyone in the Mission House for a long time that Connor was not exactly straight.  
"You _think_ you're gay?"  
Connor nodded, dropping his hand "And I've tried turning it off, Elder Price. But I just... I can't do it anymore. I'm just... tired." He sighed, looking so miserable that Kevin just wanted to give him a hug or something. In the end he settled for giving him what he hoped was a comforting pat on the shin, which was the only part of him that he could reach without lunging across the couch.

"You know it's alright to be gay, Connor." Kevin said eventually.

Connor snorted "No it's not. It's wrong, it's a sin. It goes against Heavenly Fathers plan for me." He scrubbed his hands through his hair, standing it all on end and only accentuating his resemblance to a mad scientist.

"Heavenly Father's plan? You know, I bet he doesn't even care if people are gay. Just as long as they're good people."

Connor shook his head, trying not to look hopeful and looking hopeful anyway.

Kevin thought for a moment before standing up from the couch and into a pile of popcorn. Drat. He'd been wondering where that had gone. He stood on one leg, rubbing his sock against his ankle to dislodge the crumbs and beckoned Connor to follow him. Which he did, suspiciously taking Kevin's outstretched hand.

"You really want to know what Heavenly Father thinks? Let's ask our resident Prophet." Whispered Kevin as they crept along the corridor to the room he still shared with Arnold. They may have relaxed rule 72, but the sleeping arrangements hadn't changed. They shut the door quietly and Kevin kept a hold on Connors hand as he shuffled over to where Arnold slept, snoring lightly.

"Hey, Super Mormon." He stuck out a foot and lightly kicked the side of the bed. "Arnold!"

Arnold snorted awake, rolling over to peer blearily at Kevin and Connor. Connor quickly dropped Kevins hand and shoved his fists into his pockets.

"Hey, sorry to wake you, but quick question. Does Heavenly Father care if people are gay?"

"Nah," Arnold rubbed a fist into his eye and sat up properly "cause if he made everyone and he doesn't make mistakes and some people are gay he must've done it on purpose. So he really can't mind if people are gay 'cause they're just being the person he made them to be. Right?" Arnold ended his statement with a yawn and started to shuffle back down into his bed.

"Thanks pal!" said Kevin with a grin turning to see Connor looking at Arnold with wonder, his mouth slightly open in surprise. Kevin steered him wordlessly out of the room and back down the corridor to the living room.

"Well there you have it, from the mouth of a Prophet, no less. Heavenly Father doesn't mind if you're gay."

"It's really okay? I won't go to hell for not turning it off?"

"Of course not! And if you do I guess I might see you there..." Kevin left his statement hanging while he went to grab the dustpan to clear up the popcorn. He knelt down to clear it up, purposefully not looking at Connor

"You mean... Kevin are you gay?"

"Honestly? I'm not sure." Kevin looked up from his cleaning "I mean, I never really looked at girls when I was growing up because I was too busy trying to be a good Mormon and they were never really that interesting and then I came here and I had this Hell Dream and I started thinking about boys and now I just don't really know." He took a deep breath and moved to empty the dustpan.

"You know you never answered me, when I asked you if I was in your hell dream..." Connor said softly. "Was I?" He looked like he was scared of the answer.

"Was I in yours tonight?"

Connor sighed "Of course you were. You always are."

"Wait. Really?" Kevin spun back to face Connor, a confusing mixture of hope, dread and surprise rushing through him.

"Yeah. Although usually you're shouting at me. Or dying. Or both." Connor dropped onto the couch again.

"But I won't anymore, right? Because you're not going to Hell so you can stop dreaming about it."

"Can I? If being gay was never a sin, why does Heavenly Father keep punishing me with Hell Dreams?"

Kevin thought about this for a moment, it was a valid question. But maybe it wasn't God that was trying to punish Connor.

"Maybe... maybe He isn't punishing you. Maybe you are punishing you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you've been thinking being gay was a sin since you were... what, 10? Maybe you've been punishing yourself for having gay thoughts because you've always believed it was wrong."

Connor seemed to think on this for a long time, so Kevin sat quietly and reflected upon the fact he might have just come out to Connor despite not have even come out to himself yet. In the end it was Kevin who broke the silence, in for a penny, in for a pound and all that.

"You were there... in my Hell dream."

"I was?"

"Yeah, with this big feather boa."

"Well that doesn't sound so scary..."

"You were also... *ahem*... well there was more to it at any rate." Kevin said evasively. He didn't feel like admitting the full extent of Connors activities in his Hell dream.

Connor nodded, stifling an enormous yawn and dropping his head onto Kevin's shoulder. Kevin froze, momentarily trying to figure out exactly when Connor had gotten so close and trying not to move too much so he knew it was okay to keep laying there. He gently let his head flop back against the back of the sofa and shut his eyes with a sigh.

And that was how Elder Church found them in the morning when he got up for a glass of water. Kevin sat up with Connor snuggled against his shoulder, sleeping soundly with a small smile on his face for the first time in weeks. Contrary to what Connor believed, the other Elders had noticed his lack of sleep and couldn't bring themselves to wake the sleeping pair.


End file.
